Drifting Illusion
by Hoobastanker
Summary: "he gave them smiles, in return, he was only pushed farther away"... a Hirokazu fic... warning: character death and hints of possible suicide
1. Memories

A/N: Let me just say that I wasn't in the best mood when I wrote this. It's gonna be confusing, sad, and depressing once you figure it out. 

:: ::= thoughts  
  


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It had been five years since the D-reaper devoured half the city. Hirokazu sat by the window, staring at the rain. Nature's constant humming, pattering, and beating soothes wrinkled spirits, someone had told him once. Someone else, someone only living in memories, told him that they were lullabies. 

When he was a little boy, he used to be dead scared of rain, mainly thunderstorms. At night, when the lightning and the cracking noises were at its worst, he would climb into his parents' bed and snuggle in between them. When his parents woke, they found no surprise seeing him there again. His thumb was stuck inside his mouth, his hair mused to one side, and he constantly repositioned to find comfort. Night after rain fallen night, his mother carried him back to his room, tucked him in, and sang him a quiet lullaby to calm his conscience down. When he woke, he was always back in his own bed, and assumed it was all a dream. Then one day his problem with thunderstorms was solved: his friend, his best friend to say the least, Yuki, had a sleepover and of course Hirokazu was invited.

  
  


**Flashback**

"Yuki?" Hirokazu tugged his friend's shirt. "Before all the big boys get here, I have to tell you something really 'portant."

"Alright buddy, shoot." 

"Well, it's um, thunderstorming outside, and well, whenever thunderstorms come, um, I get, uh, an insy weensy bit scared.... Not that I get scared easily." Hirokazu spat out quickly.

Yuki smiled. "Don't worry, just think of thunderstorms as lullabies sung by," he paused. "God."

"What's a lullabies?" Hirokazu was confused.

"Do you remember those songs your mom used to sing you when you were a baby to help you sleep?"

"Uh huh. She still sings them to me."

Yuki smiled at Hirokazu's innocence."Well, those are lullabies. So think of thunderstorms as songs from God." 

"Will they help me sleep better?" Hirokazu asked.

"Of course."

"Thanks Yuki." Hirokazu smiled.

"Anytime kiddo, anytime." Yuki grinned.

  
  


**End Flashback**

  
  


Yuki was Hirokazu's best friend. Yuki had promised to always be there for Hirokazu whenever he needed him. "I still remember that promise Yuki, but do you?" Hirokazu whispered softly.

**Flashback**

  
  


"HI YUKI!!!!" Hirokazu hollered as he opened the door to let Yuki come into his house.

"Hey there buddy! What's up?" Yuki stepped in with a smile.

"The sky silly!" Hirokazu giggled.

Yuki chuckled. "I should've known. So, why'd you ask me to come over?" He looked at Hirokazu's shadowed face as it stared at the ground. "Not that I wouldn't want to come or anything." He assured quickly, smiling as a cover up.

Hirokazu sighed. "Well, it's about, um, actually, you. You've been spending so much time with Kiwi or whatever her name is. You never even have time to talk to me anymore. Is she more important than me? Did I do something to make you angry? Whatever I did to make you mad, I promise I won't do it again, honest! I'm sowwie, Please forgive me!" Hirokazu burst into tears.

"If you mean Kiki, of course she's not more important than you. She's just not less important either." Yuki sighed as he embraced the sobbing Hirokazu. "I'm not angry at you, in fact, I should be the one apologizing. Here's a promise, and let me tell ya, I won't ever make a promise like this to anyone else in the world." Yuki put his hand on his heart. "I promise that if you ever ever need me, just call and I'll be glad to help."

"Do you really mean that?" Hirokazu sniffed, wiping his eye.

"I promise that with my life." Yuki wiped one of Hirokazu's rolling tears.

"You may be fourteen but that promise might be too hard for you to keep."

"Could you keep that same promise for me too?" 

"Of course!" Hirokazu smiled.

"Then if a six year old can keep it, I can too!" Yuki laughed, grinning widely.

  
  


**End Flashback**

  
  


::Then one day, Yuki, you broke. I didn't like seeing you that way, but I guess human nature doesn't let any of us be God.::

  
  


**Flashback**

  
  


"Sometimes, do you ever need to cry, but the tears don't come? And then, there's only that last resort. Everyone needs someone; but of course, that's what people who have someone say. But, what if you have no one but yourself? I have everybody but the only person I can tell this to is a six year old. Pretty pathetic, huh?" Yuki sighed sadly to Hirokazu who was sitting next to him on a swing.

"What do ya mean?" Hirokazu asked, confused at his friend's words.

"One day, maybe not now Hirokazu, you'll know exactly what I mean." Yuki answered softly.

"Are you lonely? Is that it?"

"Now I am..." Yuki started to tremble as he gripped the swing tighter.

"You're my bestest and onlyest friend in the whole wide world." Hirokazu replied with a sniffle as he watched Yuki put his head in his hands. "I don't like seeing you this way Yuki! It makes me sad too. Whenever I see you, there's always a smile on your face. Why not now?"

"I can smile, one more time, but, only for you." Yuki slowly looked up from the ground. His lips curved gradually into a smile, sad, but nevertheless, a smile.

"Thanks Yuki."

"Will you do me a favor Hirokazu?"

"Uh huh. What is it?"

"Even when I can't smile, you still can. Remember that. Wherever you are, however you feel, do everyone, do me, a favor and lighten the mood."

"Okay, but why?"

"Angels can only visit happy places." Yuki replied.

"Oh, okay."

"I have to go now. G-goodbye Hirokazu. I'll never forget you."

"Of course you won't, you'll see me tomorrow, right?"

"It's not a promise Hirokazu." Yuki outstretched his arms. 

Hirokazu jumped into Yuki's embrace immediately and laughed. "You're silly Yuki! I'm glad you're my best friend!" Hirokazu laughed happily.

Yuki slowly stood up. "Goodbye champ."

"Until next time! Which I hope is soon!" Hirokazu waved.

"Until next time kiddo, until next time..." Yuki whispered.

**End Flashback**

::I never saw Yuki again... ::

**Flashback**

  
  


"Hi daddy! Can Yuki maybe come over today?" Hirokazu pleaded.

"Hirokazu, I-I hate to tell you this but, but Yuki," His father paused. "Yuki is dead."

Hirokazu laughed. "Nice joke daddy. So, can he come over?"

"I'm not joking, he died yesterday because he committed suic- I, uh, I mean he was in a car accident." His father struggled with words.

"Daddy, this isn't funny anymore. Stop it!" Hirokazu put his hands on his ears. "Tell me the truth daddy... Yuki's not dead, is he?"

His father nodded solemnly.

Hirokazu stared at his father in disbelief and was overcome by shock, sadness, and anger. "NO, NO, NO!!! LIAR!!! I'M GOING OVER TO HIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW AND HE'S GONNA BE THERE!!!" Hirokazu screamed. "He'll-he'll be there, him and his goofy smile, waiting, waiting for me..." He whispered. "He's gonna be there, he promised he'd always be there for me..." He choked through tears.

"Sorry son..." His father scratched his head. "That was too big of a promise for him to keep."

  
  


Days later at Yuki's funeral....

"Hirokazu, would you like to say a few words?" His mother asked.

Hirokazu nodded and walked up to the grave. "God sent me his best angel and he just had to take him back. I know you need him more than me God, so please take care him." He whispered softly. ::I know you couldn't keep your promise to me Yuki but I can still smile for you. Goodbye," Hirokazu paused. "One last time." Hirokazu wiped away more tears.

  
  


**End Flashback**

  
  


::I'm not stupid and blind like I used to be. Yuki, now I know it wasn't a car crash. Mom yelled at Dad for not telling me the truth before. You killed yourself, you slit your neck. I know why, it was over Kiki. She's probably out of college now. She didn't go to your funeral, but I still did. I miss you everyday, and I keep smiling, just for you. I keep looking over pictures of you, I can't find the tears I need to cry, now I know what you meant when you said that. I still remember what you said, the last day I ever saw you. I could call you a wimp for escaping the pains of earth because it hurt you too much, but I'm not. That's because I might make the same decision as you.:: Hirokazu stood up from his chair. ::Thank you for watching over me Yuki but it'll feel much better to see your face again.:: 

Hirokazu walked over to the kitchen and opened a drawer; a drawer full of knives...

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


A/N: sorry if it was confusing, but like i said, this was a fic i wrote when i wasn't feelin all too great about "life" as a whole.... my pet rabbit died and i broke up with my b/f...review if you want, maybe if i get enough, i'll be motivated enough to write another chapter...

  
  



	2. Blood of Depression

A/N: Woops.. I forgot to tell you Yuki's age, thanks for the reminder qia-x... he's, *or wuz...depends on how you look at it...* 14... ne ways.. Here's chapter 2!  
  


Hirokazu had cut himself in the past. Always deep enough so that the feeling became numb but never deep enough to actually kill himself. It was almost an addiction. He remembered the first time he had ever done it.  
  


**Flashback**

The day went by slowly and he wasn't feeling all too great. Nothing bad had even happened to him. He was just in a depressing mood for no reason in particular. He wasn't drowning in misery though; in fact, sometimes he only felt a dull nothingness. Emotions came and passed that day. 

He picked up a regular kitchen knife and fingered its tip. He looked down at his wrists and saw horizontal lines curve and design his skin. He used the knife to follow the lines as the blade dabbed into his skin. The blood hesitantly dribbled down. First, there was a thin, delicate line of red. He placed two of his fingers each opposite the wound and pinched it, watching in amazement as a warm crimson creeped down his arms. He ignored the sting and was comforted by blood; his own blood. The pain was instant and sharp, gradually fading away as he got used to it. 

He dug deeper and deeper into the wound. In a way, it "healed him". It kept his mind off of life. Hirokazu's grip on the knife slowly loosened as he fell to the ground. He clutched his wrist and smiled. He liked the feeling. He didn't need others to hurt him anymore, he could do it himself...  
  


**End Flashback**  
  


Hirokazu remembered when he woke up after that episode... **flashback** His family wasn't home yet. He quickly got up and bandaged the wound, hoping that he could conceal it from society. He didn't need the world to know his problems. After the blood stained and dried, he applied a new layer of gauze to hide the blood. **end flashback**

He cut himself often, perhaps too often. Nobody bothered to ask him why he had bandages on his wrists all the time. Kenta asked once though, being Hirokazu's best friend, but Hirokazu shrugged and said he was setting a new fashion; "It's much cooler than wrist cuffs." He answered casually.

Day by day, he got paler and paler; skinnier and skinnier; weaker and weaker. Physically, no human body could possibly endure so much pain and injury, especially upon a main artery. He didn't eat well either; just whenever he felt too light-headed. This made it worse. His parents began to notice his problems when it became more obvious and more serious. They didn't say anything at first, in hope that their son was living a lie."Are you sick honey? You've been growing quite pale." His mom finally asked him one night at dinner.

Hirokazu smiled. "I'm just fine mom." He stretched. "I just haven't, uh, been getting enough sleep lately."

"Um, alright..." His mother sighed and decided to play along with the bitter and tainted illusion her son painted for her. 

Hirokazu was glad nobody knew his so-called secret. He was thriving in his living illusion, and he happened to like living a lie, he didn't need a dose of reality any time soon. He didn't need to be drowning in a sea of their sympathies; their familiar faces, all displayed with disappointment of him. 

::Would anybody cry at my grave? Would anyone waste tears on me? Would an angel weep at my grave or would a demon come and tear it apart?:: Hirokazu looked down at the knife.

He looked into the distance and closed his eyes. He remembered a time that he and Yuki sat on a swing-set, discussing (what was disgusting to him at that time) the topic of girls...  
  


**Flashback**

"So Hirokazu, gotta girlfriend?" Yuki joked, winking.

"Eww... girls are stupid! They have cooties you know!?" Hirokazu retorted.

"Ha , you're so young... You're gonna fall for one someday; whether you want to or not." Yuki laughed.

"You're crazy Yuki! I'll never like a girl! Girl's are disgusting!" He crossed his arms and huffed.

Yuki chuckled. "Girls make your life special and worth living. You'll learn that one day."

"That's a lie Yuki." Hirokazu spat. "Girls are STUPID!!!!! No offense but your new girlfriend Kiwi is stupid too."

"Kiki," Yuki emphasized. "Is a great person. I'm not sure if you understand love yet but," He hesitated. "I love her. It might sound crazy to you but it's true."

"Um... okay..." Hirokazu was puzzled by Yuki's sudden and thoughtful emotions.

Yuki eyed Hirokazu. "Need a push pal?"

"K." Yuki got up. He pushed Hirokazu playfully yet roughly the first time. "That's for calling Kiwi, er, I mean KIKI stupid!" He laughed.

Hirokazu smiled and let go of one of the chains. He stuck his arm out and extended it as far as he could. "Heaven is where the angels live, right?" Kazu stretched his fingers farther, believing that maybe, just maybe, he could catch a piece of heaven's holiness.

"Sure is!" Yuki laughed. "Are you trying to reach it?" Yuki cocked his head as he watched Hirokazu stretch his arm as far as his little body would let him.

"No, I'm trying to catch an angel's feather silly!" Hirokazu responded.

"You know, there are angels on earth too."

"How do you know when someone's an angel?" Hirokazu pulled his arm back and slipped his hand back around the chain.

"You just know buddy, you just know..."  
  


**End Flashback**  
  


::You were an angel Yuki. But you had to die before I figured that out... You died because of someone you loved. She killed you, that Kiki girl. See what she did to you? I guess I can't really blame you for leaving me behind.:: Hirokazu edged closer to the blade. He sighed. ::My last day on Earth just had to end up so miserable...Hmph, figures...::  
  


**Flashback to about half an hour ago**  
  


Hirokazu was about to pick up the phone but it rang as he neared it.

"Um, hello?" He talked into the receiver with a hint of annoyance in his voice. He had been meaning to call Ruki.

"Kazu! HEY!!!! What's happening dude?" A bright voice chirped on the other line.

"Ruki? Damn, what a koinky dink, I was just about to call you." Kazu laughed nervously.

"Haha, that's whacked. Well, I have something REALLY important to tell you, so can you meet me at the park in like 20?"

"Aight, that sounds tight. Hey, that rhymes. Anyways, what do you mean by 'important'?" Hirokazu asked suspiciously, smiling.

"Aw, you'll know soon enough dude."

"Is it about your not so future love life?" Hirokazu joked.

"You'll know soon man, see ya."

"Later." He hung up and grinned. It was the moment of truth. He was gonna tell Ruki his feelings toward her and from that phone conversation, he could figure she felt the same way. He ran to his room and changed into a dark blue collared shirt, leaving it unbuttoned to show his **well built** body. He left the rest of his outfit the way it was since he didn't want to be too obvious. 

Hirokazu sprinted to the bathroom and applied a thin layer of gel to his hair. He ran his hand through it and smoothed it out. He had to look perfect. He took out his best cologne and sprayed it on his neck, his wrists, his chest, his arms.... You could say he overdid it. He quickly brushed his teeth and washed his face. Right before he headed out the door, he did a quick pose and smiled. 

Hirokazu kept smiling to himself as he jogged to the park. The adrenaline rushed through his body. Never before in his life had he felt so excited so he started racing towards the park. The wind brushed past his hair and his heart beat faster and faster as he surveyed the area and saw Ruki running towards him.

"Hey Hirokazu!" Ruki waved and smiled. She was unusually happy, although it wasn't a bad thing. 

"Heya Ruki!"

"I see you're all dressed up." Ruki teased.

"Naw..." Hirokazu blushed slightly. "Anyways, I know you have something to tell me but I have something to tell you first."

"Um, alright." 

"Well, we've been friends for quite a while but well, um, I uh,... I like you Ruki. But as more than a friend." Hirokazu expected a hug from Ruki or at least a sign of affection in return but only saw a frown creep onto Ruki's face, instantly kicking her smile away.

"Heh, Kazu, that's funny... because, well, um, I came to tell you that me and Ryo are together now. Pretty ironic, huh?" She watched as Hirokazu tried his best to conceal disappointment, anger, sadness, and rejection all at once. She wrapped her arms around Hirokazu. "I'm sorry kiddo. But we're still cool, right?"

Hirokazu pushed her away and forced a smile. "Sure Ruki, sure."

Ruki winked. "I know it's gonna be hard trying to find someone as good as me but good luck." 

"Yea...." Hirokazu walked briskly away, and when Ruki was out of sight, he sprinted home; knowing what was needed to be done.  
  


**End Flashback**

Hirokazu picked up the knife and trudged to the bathroom. He took a good look at himself in the mirror. He looked at his bed-head hair. He ruffled it and sighed. If he had to label himself, he guessed was a skater. After every time he cut himself, he would rest to recover and then hurry to the park to do tricks on his board. He could space out and concentrate only on skating. He always found an isolated spot so that nobody could pester him in his "alone-time." Ruki came occasionally to watch but only because Hirokazu insisted on her presence. She laughed at his stupid jokes and giggled when he fell off while trying to show-off. He was never hurt because he was too busy trying to make Ruki happy. She was his first crush and he tried his hardest to win her over. He had even taught her how to skate, or more of how to balance on a skateboard before he started his addiction; when he was still a happy kid.

**Flashback** 

He slowly wrapped his arms around her waist and steadied her as she skated down the park, gaining speed. He jogged along since she was using his board. She suddenly lost her balance and fell on the cement pavement. Hirokazu raced over and found Ruki laughing hysterically. 

"That was one hell of a trip!" She laughed.

"Hey, you okay?" Hirokazu asked worriedly, extending an arm.

"Always." She took his hand and stood up. She started to stare at him oddly.

"What?" Hirokazu met her stare.

"Oh, um, can you lift up your shirt?" She blushed.

"Uh...." Hirokazu hesitantly took it off. "Why did you make me do that?"

Ruki stuck out her index finger, squinted her eyes, and murmured, counting numbers. "One, two, three, four..."

Hirokazu was uncomfortable with this scene. (Who wouldn't be?) "Ruki, um, what are you doing?"

"YOU HAVE A SIX-PACK!" She giggled suddenly. "That's great Hirokazu! I never knew you worked out!"

Hirokazu smiled. "Um, yea.. How can anyone resist this body?" He winked as Ruki laughed. 

"All you need now is an earring!" She joked and threw an arm around his shoulder.

"Hmmmm....." 

The next day, all of the Tamers excluding Ai and Mako met at Jenyra's house. 

Hirokazu walked in slowly and grinned when he saw Ruki sitting on the couch alone. He kneeled in front of her and posed like a model. "TA DA!!!" He smiled.

Ruki gasped. "Tell me that's fake!"

"Nope."

"SHUT UP! Jeeze, I was just joking Hirokazu. You seem to take any suggestion I say to you seriously. First the hair dye, now this...." Ruki raised an eyebrow.

"I think you make good suggestions. Don't I look sexy?" Hirokazu said with a lisp, smiling. 

Ruki chuckled and leaned forward to tug the earring. "Sure kiddo." She replied as Hirokazu yelped in pain.  
  


**End Flashback**  
  


::Ruki chose Ryo over me. I guess I'm just some big, ugly idiot to her. I can't blame her for hating me 'cause I guess I hate me too. Maybe I should be happy for her to have someone as great as Ryo. The world won't miss me, I mean, it'll probably be better off without me. I guess I should write a good-bye note..:: 

Hirokazu ran down the hall to grab a post-it and a pen. He scrambled back to the bathroom and scribbled down a note in his usual messy handwriting. He stuck it on the mirror and picked up the knife. He tore off the current bandages and ran the knife across his left wrist delicately the first time. He saw the general thin red line appear. He laughed inwardly and jammed the knife back in his skin as far as he could. Then, he moved the handle parallel across his wrist. He dug far into the wound as he moved the knife. 

Suddenly felt an unfamiliar wave of weakness. He lost grip on the knife, and it clattered as it hit the ground. It wasn't the pain he usually felt but a lack of energy. He crumpled to the floor and for once in his life, felt fear. "God don't let me die..." He pleaded. "I don't wanna die anymore, I can't take it!" He trembled and lost all feelings as he fell to a blackness... ::This is it...::

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


(Plz take the extra minute to read this ENTIRE author's note...)

  
  


A/N: Okay, sorry this took a while but I wasn't actually gonna continue... Sry if it was mostly *fluff* and flashbacks heh heh... I had to explain why our main man was feeling suicidal and provide some foreshadowing.. **hint hint, nudge nudge** Did Hirokazu die?? Hmmm... should I make him die or should someone *magically* rescue him? Tell me in your reviews.... One little fact, the average person wants to live after they attempt suicide so don't think that Kazu wanting to live was a little out ov place... (Well, we can safely assume that Hirokazu is average and a person, ryte??) 

  
  


Well, thys is a little out of the blue but it has been a BAD year for Ozzfest, no? Sharon Osbourne has cancer and Drowning Pool's lead man Dave Williams dies... dude.. Well, you could say I was pretty inspired by his death to write about life and death so the next chapter will be the after-affects of whether Hirokazu lives or dies... DON'T TAKE LIFE FOR GRANTED, YOU ONLY GET 2 LIVE IT ONCE! I swear, Dave's death took me by total surprise... Drowning Pool will NEVER be the same!!

  
  


All I can say is PLZ REST IN PEACE DAVE WILLIAMS!! YOU WILL B FOREVER LUVED AND REMEMBERED FOR THE GREAT ARTIST AND KIND PERSON YOU WERE! 


End file.
